@CrazyCandy welcome to the “writing” community on the discourse. I’m glad you have put a lot of time into a fan fiction. I have every intention to read it over the weekend. As soon as I begin I will give you my opinions. Until then, happy writing.
(sorry I missed this initially, I have not been on the discourse for a week or so.)
I have read the entire thing. It is an easy read and it naturally flows from one “topic” to another. The story is well connected in that there is a lot of foreshadowing in the eighth and ninth page that ends up circling around and revealing itself as you read. The characters are simple and lovable, and they are developed well. Although you chose to use mostly direct development, a style I personally don’t prefer, your direct development is very good. The plot itself is a little weak, but since it is in the form of a “tale” probably handed down from generation to generation that is excusable.
Now for some critique. (because of the sheer size of the composition I will not do my sentence by sentence review, but I will discuss some overview thoughts I had while I was reading it)
First of all I think that you should label pages 1-7 as the introduction, since it is exposition and not the actual story.
Next, I noticed some inconsistency in regard to the dragon. When Todd is originally “riding” the dragon, the dragon cannot shake him off. Later the dragon is moving at speeds hard to follow with the eye. On a side note this topic on the subject is very interesting speed - Can a human size object move so fast that it ceases to be observable? - Physics Stack Exchange
But even if you forget the problems of physically moving at that speed, a dragon that can move that fast could easily throw Todd off. Once again this can be “excused” by the fact that this is a tale.
Something I noticed throughout the whole “tale” is that the characters are far too trusting of each other. My primary example is Ikkili and Bagka, when Todd shows up out of the blue and tells them of the wizard and dragon. Ikkili and Bagka would hardly race across the desert based on the hearsay of a stranger. Of course if they are seriously that concerned about the temple they may very well listen to hearsay, it is just difficult to believe. The same applies when the wizard first kidnaps Todd and Letty, the goblins are a little on the trusting side, and they would hardly explain their intentions.
Side note, you may want to put a line in there explaining how the goblins knew Letty was on duty that particular night. and why Ikkili and Bagka were in middle of the desert in the first place.
One last major thing I could point out is the rather outrageous injury Letty receives from stumbling when they are being led to the wizard. Even while I was reading it I was wondering how she could have been knocked out cold, from a stumble. Especially assuming that she is on the younger side.
The only word misuse I’ll quote for you since it popped out at me while I was reading it is “his
arms reached forward, and a fireball flied towards Zambarn” I’m sure you overlooked this, it should be “flew”
All in all this was very well written and as @Rizzano mentioned it does read like a bestseller. You should be proud of your hard work. Do you have intention of writing anything else and sharing it on the discourse?
I hope I have given you constructive criticism.