NOTE - Apparently the built-in pdf viewer of Google Chrome doesn’t like internal links, so I’ve added the page numbers to the Table of Content for convenient navigation.
Disclaimer for this release, I have decided to shrink the fontsize to save on virtual paper (he-he). No, actually… with the font size of 12p that I’ve used in previous releases, the document had the lenght of over 90 pages, so this way it’s only 70 pages. The font size is currently 10p, but with the amazing zoom feature of browsers and pdf viewers this shouldn’t cause any inconvenience.
Also… a question: Do you like the current font type? It’s Liberation Serif which is the default font of LibreOffice. I thought I might ask it since it’s a lot of reading and the font can mean a lot.
Now a few words about part three…
This part is about as long as the previous two parts combined, so be prepared for a long read.
While writing this one, I decided to try a couple of new things that I hope some of you will notice. I hope you will like this part just as much as the previous two.
As always, please share your thoughts and observations about the story. Don’t shy away from pointing out my mistakes, be it logical or a simble spelling error. Even if you didn’t like it, I encourage you to post your opinion as for why.
Feedback means a lot to me, even if it’s just a simple like. I appreciete all sorts of feedback, positive and negative alike!
… and now, before this post ends up being longer than the actual story, I end it here.
So happy you wrote this I’ll read and give my thoughts later.
Still reading through but when I got up to the point about the offset window I literally burst out laughing. Truth is I should have seen it coming since I hinted you should write it…but it still got me.
I’m glad I was able to make you laugh.
I also can’t wait to read your review!
Also… a little bit update here…
Version 2 is out, including a fix to a couple of embarrassing typos, such as where I wrote paining in place of painting and the sudden mid-sentence gender change of a certain character.
I caught those btw its a long piece so its taking me a little longer to write the review.
Come on guys give @CrazyCandy a hand for all his hard work.
Unfortunately going to have to cop out a little, I just can’t write an in depth review on so long a short story with the little time I have.
I will say that the problem (imo) with this third chapter is that it has a weak plot, its basically a very long descriptive paragraph, toward the end the plot seems to get a little thicker. And I noticed that the reader is given more questions then answers (i.e how did Noelle get the curse in the first place, why Noelle can blast goblins all over the place) It also suffers from the vices of being a part II (or part III as the case may be) a part II is never going to be as good as an original, there is just something about novelty and suspense that is usually lost in a continuation of a story.
Of the three parts this one definitely had the strongest description. Your word choices were very good and helped portray a picture, which is always good in a composition. I would say the beginning of the story had the strongest description and as the story went on the description lessened a little at a time. Happens to be that method is probably the best one when writing a long story. Since description can get a little old if you continual use a lot of adjectives and verbs. If you slowly ease off the description it ends up still painting the picture with less words.
Another detail that I found was a little lacking was in the character of Noelie. Her character seems to be very young and full of vigor. She also seems to be facing the vices of youth (i.e concern over white hairs) A person who is trapped that long (200 I believe) tends to become depressed and cynical. Both of those symptoms will age a person much quicker then when you are happy and trusting. Not to mention all her hair should be white at that point. It is easy to say that the magic spell preserved her, but I just felt that the character could have been portrayed a little better.
I am extremely impressed by the fact that you were able to write another seventy pages to this story(I personally have difficulty with writing longer compositions) And despite the few problems above (which is inevitable as every composition could be improved) the story is very good. You should be proud.
[quote=“TurtleSquish, post:4, topic:24616”]
I will say that the problem (imo) with this third chapter is that it has a weak plot, its basically a very long descriptive paragraph, toward the end the plot seems to get a little thicker. And I noticed that the reader is given more questions then answers (i.e how did Noelle get the curse in the first place, why Noelle can blast goblins all over the place) It also suffers from the vices of being a part II (or part III as the case may be) a part II is never going to be as good as an original, there is just something about novelty and suspense that is usually lost in a continuation of a story.[/quote]
Ah yes. I actually regret it a lot that I split the whole thing in 3 parts rather than continuing it to the very end since the very beginning. That is part of the reason why part 3 has Gavin’s and Noelie’s chapters in one part. The whole thing was supposed to be a single continuous story.
Also, I desperately wonder how I could improve upon the ‘weak plot’.
Oh my! I looked back to the part where it was supposed to be explained… and did I just… Did I just forget to write that part?!
Spoiler alert:
It’s implied in the sentence below “The witch’s gaze which haunted her for so many years… it was her own gaze, and she had seen it in the mirror which now lied before her, its pieces scattered everywhere.”
I wanted to add a bit more after that, but apparently that slipped out of my mind. (More spoilers) I was supposed to explain that in the middle of chaos that Noelie had made during a banquet night where she unleashed her wrath upon the castle, the girl (cat) named Thalia took the mirror to shield herself with that, and the curse backfired on Noelie with side effects.
Shame on me… Epic fail… arrggh!
And about the sending goblins flying part… she was a powerful sorceress before her own curse backfired on her. I thought that didn’t need that much more explaining after it turned out that it was her who made the whole mess in Dawnwatch. I was wrong it seems like.
I’m glad that I’m heading towards the right direction in this regard. I’ve been struggling to improve my description for quite a while. Still have to rely a lot on the interwebs to fetch me some sweet synonyms, but hey!
Well, I actually intended it to be just that. The preservation of magic and quite a bit of a memory loss.
But I agree, I failed a bit on this regard.
I like to think that I have some kind of talent, but that is definitely not the case. I spend quite a lot of time staring at blank pages and writing absolutely nothing, until I randomly wake up at 4am and write ten pages, then I write nothing for the next 2 weeks. It’s just… weird.
Just for the record: part 3 is actually about 32 pages ~10200 words. The whole thing, including the map and the front page and table of content make up 70 pages or ~20600 words.
Todd’s tale was almost exactly the same length as part 3 (~10200 words). So technically I wrote ~30800 words worth of fan fiction (not including my cancelled projects or any other in-progress projects that of course I would never mention).
To put that in comparison with my pet project (which is supposed to be a fantasy novel at some point in the very distant future) that currently sits at a word count of 28209 words (this of course not including the countless pages that I threw away because they sucked embarrassingly). I actually have more pages of side-stories to it than the actual story itself. Of that 28k words I’ll probably throw away half of it… sometimes I’d actually like to explode over the fact of how bad it is.
But hey… I got carried away with this ranting!
I feel like I owe you the world for taking the time to review the huge pile of text that I wrote! They definitely should make a monument of you in game or something. So thank you very much!
As for the future of these fan fictions… I feel that they are absurdly long and for folks it would be more convenient to read shorter stories of this kind. But I get carried away too easily and end up with huge piles of words that serve absolutely no purpose other than describing a certain painting upon an otherwise blank wall (btw, did you like that one? )
So anyway… I am 99.96% sure that there will be more of these fan fics, as I definitely need more practice - unless of course a truck hits me while I cross the street or something. But I will try to keep them shorter, and there will be no more stories released in shorter chunks (in parts), because that just doesn’t work well.
I honestly hate it when that happens…I do it all the time where I assume that the reader knows what i’m talking about when in truth they really don’t. I end up sending them something missing key points.
The problem is that once something is written changing its plot is nigh impossible. I think you should settle on what you’ve got and move on. We are all in a learning experience after all.
Description is a powerful tool, and it is no crime to use synonyms. Authors have been using thesaurus way before the internet was a subject for science fiction.
It has to do with what you (and I) have said above when we are writing we assume these facts are self evident.
If I can offer my recommendation don’t delete ANYTHING you write. Especially nowadays when you can just pop it in its own folder and forget about it. This way you at least have something to show for your work. And it will help you if you look back on it from time to time to see how you have improved. But I know how you feel because I also am stuck in the infinite labyrinth of trying to write a book
Aw very sweet of you to say. And really i’m sorry that I couldn’t not pick through the whole thing, if you saw the amount I write for S & T right now you would begin to understand what I meant when I said i’m over hobbied right now.
Don’t beat yourself up too much your work is very good, I see a rising star in the fan fiction world.
its a long piece so its taking me a little longer to write the review.
Epic fail… arrggh!
Of that 28k words I’ll probably throw away half of it… sometimes I’d actually like to explode over the fact of how bad it is.
)