[Fan Fiction] The Invisible Princess - Part I

This thread is now outdated. Please, refer to The Invisible Princess - Complete Edition.

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Standing by the hot furnaces and hammering metal all day
wore him down completely by the end of the day, and ofttimes he
wished there was something else he could do. Would suggest sometimes or often :slight_smile:

but it was not, albeit even Gavin knew his day would be
wasted for a cause of nonsense… Don’t know that word, maby wrong spelling?

anyhow a lovely story, love to read the sequel and find out if they both survive and perhaps are not that keen on adventures anymore :slight_smile:

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Awesome story, i really enjoeyed it and can’t wait for the second part! (Damn cliff-hangers)
Obe of the two main character reminds me of myself. Won’t tell you which one, but it’s not the Blacksmith :wink:

I found a few mistakes, on page 22 for example, shouldn’t it be “hung” instead of “hanged”

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Thanks for the feedback! Version 2 is now available. I fixed a couple of grammar errors and replaced some words based on the feedback so far, as they were words some people may not be familiar with.

(Making a sneaky edit to bring the thread back up to the top! :blush:).

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just got a chance to read this, and i must say it was very well written. can’t wait for part II!

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I have begun to read through the fan fiction. My in depth critique will be coming soon.

It’s awesome that you have continued to write more, despite the difficulty in achieving support.

Some sentence mis-structures I noticed along the way.

He walked downstairs into the kitchen, but he was late and found his
his father already there, as he already was in the workshop, working restless,
never taking a break ever since the death of Gavin’s mother.

which was protected by the
ancient wooden fence that was made by his late grandfather a long,
long time ago.

This entire sentence is a serious run-on. It needs some periods in there.
The fence, however, was badly in need of repairs, as a
couple weeks earlier, a wild boar found his way into the town, and as
the guards chased it out, it tore down the ancient wood and crossed
the yard, causing quite a mess before breaking the fence at another
point at the eastern side of the yard, after which the beast fled into
the woods and was not seen ever since.

“Hey, guys!” out of the blue, Brett Addion suddenly cried out
from behind his giant jug of booze;

There is a redundancy in this sentence. For better flow remove one of the bolded above.

Now for overview critique.

A problem which effects the entire story is how trusting Gavin is of Brett. Brett is a constant drunk who has lied at least twice (that are mentioned in the fan fic) about adventures. So Gavin would hardly get pumped and use his only rest day based on some gibberish Brett said when he was drunk. I’m not sure if there is anyway for you to solve this problem, but in the future keep that time of thing in mind when you are writing plot.

“The Golden Poyo was the oldest of the thirteen taverns in
Kalgrove, and as it stands, it was Brett’s favorite. It was an old large
cottage standing proud at the northern end of the town; its blue roof
and two chimneys could be seen from afar.”

Thirteen taverns implies a very large city. However the rest of the story implies a small town (i.e. the bridge preceding the Fat King’s Bridge was not big enough to take the weight of the king, or the fact that coming out of the tavern Gavin already sees a natural display.) So I would recommend lowering the number of taverns.

There is also an anachronism (mouthful to say I know) regarding the clock in the Green Goblin. clocks were not invented for a long time after the Stonehearth universe. Don’t feel too bad about this though, Shakespeare made the same mistake in Julius Caesar.

Related to a point I mentioned above, it seems Brett makes money for his drink by adventuring. The problem with that is that he is drunk most of the time and a drunkard could reliably succeed on adventures.

If i were to make a guess the invisible princess is Letty from Todd’s tale and the two “camel” riders are Ikkili and Bagka. If my guess is right (based on the foreshadowing.) then you need to change the year this story takes place since this story takes place in 241 whereas Todd’s Tale takes place in 309.

Those are all the points I noticed in my first read through, if I notice anything else I will edit them in. Once again you have created a very good, well flowing fan fiction. You have good foreshadowing, not too obvious and not too hidden. Your character development is pretty good as well, in general your characters are a little on the simple side, but there is nothing wrong with that. Your exposition is also well spread throughout the story (whereas in Todd’s Tale it was all thrown in at the beginning.)

Keep up the great work.

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Noted :slight_smile:

I agree that Gavin’s trust in Brett’s story is a tad bit illogical, and I tried portray, that one of the chief reasons for Gavin to join Brett is because he’s extremely tired of his job at his father’s shop, and wants a change, even if it means a wasted day. It appears I failed on this. I’ll try to keep this in mind and improve on these kind of stuff in the future.

What isn’t mentioned in the story (I kind of forgot that, sorry :stuck_out_tongue: ) is that Kalgrove lies on a busy crossing of road, and there’s also a steady flow of goods through ships on the river. If possible I’ll try to address this in part 2, or maybe edit bits into part 1 in the future.

The owner of the Green Goblin uses mods. [Mod] (A16) Decorative Clocks 2.0

Although, you have a point, I haven’t seen it mentioned anywhere that clocks are not invented in Stonehearth. :slight_smile: Keep in mind that this is fantasy where goblins and other stuff roam the lands.

What can I say… Brett’s quite a mysterious person. Even I can’t tell what he’s up to sometimes. :innocent:

A couple of things I can say :slight_smile:

  • I can neither confirm nor deny that the two men were Ikkili and Bagka
  • Letty is not the Invisible Princess
  • Letty is blood related to the boy who the men were looking for
  • There is only one “camel”. They travel by foot.
  • They won’t play any further role in this tale. It was just an easter egg. :slight_smile: (Doesn’t mean they won’t appear in another tale, though… Time will tell.)

I will, and thank you for your amazing feedbacks! Keep them coming! :slight_smile:

Thank you! I’m so glad you and the others liked it!

Also, don’t forget to take a look at my first fan fic, Todd’s Tale if you haven’t done yet! The link’s in the first post :slight_smile:

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Indeed this point was made, I just didn’t feel from what was written that Gavin was willing to cross that large an illogical gap because of the hate of work. Maybe stick a sentence in there saying something like that directly.

ah that’s cool, I missed that you made this mod.

Indeed Stonehearth is in a fantasy setting, but the devs have said (in multiple live streams and in other places) that they are sticking in a medieval theme usually they say 1100-1300s. But the truth is I mentioned the point just to give you something to think about in future works. Not the biggest deal.

I’m glad you are tying this story into the last one, gives room for “fan theories” as well as gives more depth to your work.

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Correction to the correction.

Shouldn’t it be “a couple of weeks”?

Next thing: "…found his way into town and, as…"
Note: the comma is behind the “and” in this case.

I think it should be: “Hey guys!”, Brett Addion shouted, out of the blue. (Using suddenly and out of the blue are two descriptions for the same thing. Furthermore, out of the blue is not used like this just after direct speech)

I agree that thirteen taverns is a ridicules number, thought just the same thing. 3 would be a lot already, for a village.

I don’t mind the clock at all, stonehearth isn’t necessarily european middle ages, so why no clocks?

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Lol yeah, when I didn’t notice that when I bolded the a it messed with the spacing.

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Also it removed the “of”?

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I brought to you a little surprise as an excuse to bump the thread :smiley: (just kidding)

Below is some early sketches of a map showing the places that we have seen so far in Todd’s Tale and Invisible Princess Part I. Click to see in larger.

The whole map is a little bigger than this, but I chopped off parts where’s nothing yet. I’m not a great drawer, but I think this will do it for now. :smiley:

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loving the sketch. Hope to see a finished version soon :slight_smile:

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Awesome @CrazyCandy having a map increases the authenticity of a fantasy writing exponentially.

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Another sneaky bump.

Today I added a whole sentence to part 2. I could say… today was an okayish day.

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That’s how it goes, sometimes. Writing is a difficult business :wink:

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Made some progress with the map.

  • The desert looks okayish, but I’m not sure if I like the mountains
  • Settlement and the temple arts are not final yet
  • I’m hoping to add some forest art too
  • I’m not fully satisfied with this green
  • Also… bump

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Hay! Looks like it’s another bump.

Here’s more update on my map. I’ve found some bonus time, so I made it prettier.

  • Forests!!
  • Prettier settlement icons
  • Found a prettier green that looks more like the in game grass!
  • Tried to make the rivers prettier

How do you find it so far?

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Loving the map @CrazyCandy The beautification was definitely a success.

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Love the map… but … i want… story… :smile:

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