Hey Guys! Im planning on making a small fiction story based on Stonehearth. Basically the story of one citizen living in the world of Stonehearth and helping his/her town grow as well as fending off rival towns/encampments. I’ll be posting up the first part of the story soon. Note that these chapters will be short and though up in short time spans, so expect alot of chapters.
I will be making another thread along with this, World of the Hearth Comments, for if any of you would like to leave a comment about the story, or any suggestions how to progress the story later on
Fire, Fire spread across the burning Seige wepons. Bodies of both sides litter the ground. Rain falling, washing the blood into the trampled dirt. Swords, Bows, Hammers, and Staves, strewn around the battlefield. Only one, rising to his feet, taking in the carnage. Blood streaked his sword and armor. He looks to the horizon to see an army of green, streaching as far as the eye could see, as the sun fades the world into ever lasting night.
Chapter 1: The Light of a New Beginning
"Alton! Alton! By the gods, wake up!" Yells Raven. "Hmmmmm..." I mummbled. "If you dont wake up, you will miss the announcing ceremony!" She calls. "Im up! Ok Im up!" I called back sleepily. I get up and walk to my dresser, as i pull my tunic on, i look out the window at the rising sun. "Today is the day. Today is the days that I, Alton Vondess, will be chozen as one of 7 Volenteers to go forth and start a new coloney!" I say to myself, determined. "Stop talking to yourself and get dressed! we're going to be late!!!" She shouts up the stairs. I finish rushing my clothes on, dart downstairs and into the kitchen, shove a peice of bread into my mouth and run out the door. As i exit the house, i notice other citizens of New Hearthstead City are all headed to the city square, to the ceremony.
My sister and I reach the City Square just in time to hear Lord Nol’s opening speach.
“My people of New Hearthstead! Thank you all for coming to New Hearthstead’s 9th anual Announcing Ceremony! As you know, 7 of our volenteers will be randomly selected into the group that will go out to make a new coloney! This year we have had many volenteers! Now, you may be selected to leave the city to start a coloney, you may have to leave your friends and family behind. But know this, you shall be able to return once a year for one week to visit with your loved ones, so do not be discouraged! Let the ceremony begin!” Lord Nol finishes the speach and begins drawing from a cauldron of names. “Helen Boltoose!” Lord Nol yells out the first name drawn, showing the start of the event. She proceeds to walk to the stage and start the line of the selected. Lord Nol then proceeds to draw out more names. “Idra Farstrider, Thess Fenton, Ollen Dorril, Heath Grail.” He calls out four more name. “Come on! Just two names left! Let one be mine!” I say, gritting my teeth with anticipation. “Alton Vondess!” Nol calls out. “YES!” I yell out with more enthusiasm then i thought i had. I then ran up to the stage to stand with the other five selected volenteers. We all then waited for the last name to be called. “Ladies and Gentlemen!” He calls out, holding up a piece of paper. “This folded piece of paper i hold in my hand contains the last name for this years selection!” The square goes dead quiet, waiting for the reveal. “The last name for this year’s selection is, Raven Vondess!” He calls out. Instantly everyone starts to applaud. “This is the first time we have ever had siblings go to make a coloney together! I congradulate you on your luck you two!” He says in a hearty tone. Raven runs up on to the stage and wraps her arms around my neck, hugging me and tears streaming down her face. “Thank the gods!” She whispered into my ear. “I was afraid that I’d lose my little brother.” She cries into my shoulder. Lord Nol then leans over to me. “You have a great older sister there, young man. Keep her safe.” He whispers to me. “Ladies and Gentlemen! That concludes our 9th anual Announcing Ceremony!” And with that, we head home.
Later that day, Raven and I sat at the dinner table eating her home made cabage soup. I mainly just stared into my bowl. "Whats wrong Alton?" Raven asks, concern showing on her face. I sigh as i lean back in my chair, turning my head away and looking out the window. "I sure am going to miss this place." I said, with a little sorrow in my voice. "We have had alot of memories here, havent we?" She says with a giggle. "But its time to make some new memories." She finishes. "Eat, your soup is getting cold." I look back at her with a smile on my face, and finish eating my soup. Suddenly there was a knock at our door. "Who could that be at this time of night?" I ask. I then got up and answered the door. There at the door were two city guards and the other five selected volenteers. "Good afternoon, I hope we didnt disturb you." Says one of the guards. "Um... No, not at all. In fact we just finished supper." I replied. "Ahh, Ok. Well we are here to escort you to the caravan." He informs. I stand there with a questioning look on my face. After a short scilence, it was broken by the sound of Raven giggling. "Alton, you block head, did you forget that we leave on the night of the selection?" She says, playfuly insultingly. "Uhh... of corse i knew that! Pshh, i mean who doesnt... right?" I say with a very unconvicing look. Everyone then begins to laugh. "Haha, well then, shall we get going?" Says Heath Grail, one of the selected. Heath is about my height with short blond hair, rather well toned arms. He could possibly be a footman, or blacksmith. "Yes, but first, go pack some clothes. The caravan can wait." Says Thess Fenton, a girl with long brown hair and emerald green eyes. Her eyes then captivated me for a moment, making me lose my train of thought. The only way i was pulled out of her trance was my sister pulling me upstairs. After a few minuits of packing, we headed out to the caravan that was waiting. We threw our belongings onto the caravan and climbed on. Within moments we were out of the gate and on our to our new life, the moon was The Light of a New Beginning.
Little tip, get rid of the indents in front of your paragraphs, that will take them out of the grey boxes.
As a short story writer myself, I enjoyed the story thoroughly. It has a nice cheery feel, which is good because it emulates the game. Your way for the formation of new settlements is very creative. I love how you gave short descriptions of a few of the ‘selected.’ The whole story leaves you hanging. Which is good, as there will be more parts later.
Now for some friendly critique.
I’m afraid I didn’t understand that. I assume it will come into play later. and also “weapons” is misspelled.
“dart” doesn’t go with descending. I would have went with something like “rush” or “hurry”
A few points here, the first part and the second part of this sentence don’t go together well. The best way to fix this would be to add the word “the” after “i notice”
You don’t need to say “New Hearthstead City” “New Hearthstead” implies a city by itself. And it gets a bit redundant to say “New Hearthstead City are all headed to the city”
And finally I would change the last few words to say something like “are all headed to the city square, and the ceremonies that will be held there momentarily.” Again to minimize redundancies.
This implies that they are banished to survive out in the wild. Most people would not volunteer, or want to be banished.
There is nothing grammatically incorrect here. But personally don’t enjoy the word choices here. Particularly “then I thought I had”
“annual” is misspelled. Also this city must be in a very underpopulated region, otherwise Lord Nol would not want more settlements. Not to mention there wouldn’t be space for them to settle. Also this ties into what I said earlier. If it is true they are banished, are they allowed to meet with the other 8 prior settlements? if so they would probably band together and make one large one, an then overthrow Lord Nol.
I notice that Raven has a split personality, half the time she seems to be concerned for Alton, the other half she seems to make fun of, be angry with him. It is possible that she would be like that, however it is unlikely. .
“silence” is misspelled.
I can’t believe Raven wound’t tell him to pack, especially since she seems to be telling him everything else to do.
“that was waiting” is extra, you already said that the caravan would wait. And if the caravan was still outside then of course it is waiting.
I gathered that the city was pretty big, it probably would take more then “moments” to get out of the city. Unless they lived very near the gate, but then you would run into problems with earlier. It would take them a long time to get to the square, and being as they were already late there would be almost no way to get there just in time for Lord Nol’s introduction.
Missing word here, your probably wanted to say “and on our way to our new life”
I like that touch Maybe make future chapters end with the chapter name as well?
Last few overall points.
-Alton seems pretty “out of it” not usually I good main character.
-As mentioned before Raven seems to have a lot of mood swings, maybe try and get her more consistent in future chapters.
-Also mentioned before, Lord Nol seems to be banishing them, if so it would make a major difference on the plot.
-Lord Nol seems surprisingly friendly to Alton, especially considering the fact that he is clearly not the smartest, skilled person at this time. Nol would be more concerned that he would “bring down” the rest of the group.
for some reason that feature is flaking out… will try again, and move both our comments to the appropriate thread…