What Reason? (Fan Fic)

[IvorySteam]

Before you read I must say, this fic may seem a bit unorthodox

What Reason? by me

We were brought here by some instant of light I believe. It all happened so fast, I can only remember the touch of the one I love. My name is Avio Ivorica. I appeared here with some others. I can tell they hate it here as much as I. We have not mouths no throats. I can most definitely feel a control of power over me, making me do stuff without my own consent. This force, it makes us cut trees, pluck bushes, build buildings, mine holes, and move things from one place to another. Everyday me and everyone around me are taken over with two urges. The first one is mid day when we stop whatever we do, pick up the nearest basket or bundle of food, and throw it onto our face where our mouths belong. We don’t consume any of it. We starve every day and night for countless hours yet there is no way to show it. The second urge is to sleep as soon as the moon is up and the sun goes down. We are not free to choose what we do at night. Other than standing around a fire pit. Everyday is the same build, work, mine, eat, and sleep. Every few days another sad soul is forced to join us. Even though we can show no expression I can see the fear in their eyes. Thinking the same things as I did when I was first chosen. Poor souls are we. Many times we are forced to become a certain profession. We are forced to work harder then. Crafting items and such as the forceful power chooses. We’ve seen these horrible looking creatures that attack us. I’ve seen them before. They show just as much fear as I can. Many of us are forced to fight these creatures until we or the creature die. It’s miraculous that at certain times when they near death they run or cry. I’ve seen them cry. I see their hearts pour out. We can never stop this force of power that’s telling us to kill them. Many times we can show this expression too. I’ve felt it. Crying is the only thing close to an expression I’ll ever get. We live in this land. We die here. We’re forced to work here. And now I stand here with a stone in my hand as I witness this land around me crumble to pieces. I think to myself “Looks like the power has chosen to leave and never come back.” I hope I die soon. I have no freedom. No reason to live. But as I near death, I see her. My love. The one I disappeared from. I never would’ve thought this is what it would come to. Goodbye cruel, unlawful, unforgiving, unloving, uncaring world. Goodbye heartless controlling force. Maybe where I go next will be better. I hope it will.

[TurtleSquish]

hi @IvorySteam sorry i’m so late in replying to your fan fiction. Very creative idea, I love the angle you took with this, most people choose to show the hearthlings as happy folk. Its great to see the flip side, maybe they don’t like what we’re doing to em

My first piece of advice is to break the “wall of text” up a bit and separate the essay into paragraphs.

(For example)

@IvorySteam

This force, it makes us cut trees, pluck bushes, build buildings, mine holes, and move things from one place to another.

Everyday me and everyone around me are taken over with two urges. The first one is mid day when we stop whatever we do, pick up the nearest basket or bundle of food, and throw it onto our face where our mouths belong.

etc. etc.

By doing this you will make it much easier to read and discuss.

Here’s a few grammar things which can use fixing, but don’t effectively change the story.

@IvorySteam

We have not mouths no throats.

You have two ways to fix this, the more conventional way would be to switch ‘not’ to ‘no’ but if you want to give it a slightly rougher feel you can switch ‘no’ for ‘nor’ the second one would not be completely correct, but it can be used as a literary device.

@IvorySteam

without my own consent

not important but ‘my own’ isn’t necessary consent implies it. However if you want to keep it their for emphasis its fine.

@IvorySteam

whatever we do

whatever we are doing*

@IvorySteam

We don’t consume any of it.

heh heh nothing wrong here, but it certainly is controversial there are those that say the food falls from the bottom of the hearthlings mouth into the throat below using gravity. So they may indeed consume the food, however where the baskets go is still a mystery at the highest level.

@IvorySteam

Thinking the same things as I did when I was first chosen.

They are thinking as I did when I was first chosen. otherwise this is an incomplete sentence.

@IvorySteam

We’ve seen these horrible looking creatures that attack us. I’ve seen them before.

The second sentence is redundant, I would take it away or modify it.

@IvorySteam

Many times we can show this expression too.

There are times we can show this expression too. its a style thing so not the biggest deal.

That’s all I noticed on my read through. Great story, brings out some good points.

I hope you write more fan fictions in the future, we have been having a lull in creative writing on the discourse for quite a while now. I personally haven’t written a short story for the discourse in forever now. Maybe its time to come out of retirement

happy writings!

[IvorySteam]

Thank you very much for the appreciation!

But I would like to say that this was simply a draft I sketched during an ever so boring lecture.

I had intentions to revise but I became to distracted towards the end.

I made the horribly rash decision of publishing the work on the discussion board. I thought “eh” and clicked enter. I immediately regretted posting it whilst re-reading it. (It was like making your hearthlings build a house before the chopping the trees)

I must have gotten too distracted to revise it and thus I completely forgot.

But I deeply praise you for doing this! Thank you! I have been procrastinating about it for to long. (waaaaaaay longer than you could think)