The Butchered Lord -A Short Story by Turtlesquish

Hey guys, the following is a story within a story. It is definitely a violent story, but the character who is saying it manages to dull down the significance of all the treachery and killing. Of course in the world this takes place in (a medieval fantasy world) this type of slaughter is common.

I also want to point out, this is in no way related to Stonehearth. It’s the only part of my book I can share by itself so far.

Please point out any grammar or technical problem you see.
Enjoy.


“Well now that we are done with the order we have some time to relax. I’ll tell you a tale, this happened long ago, before there was an emperor, when Iireach was covered by hundreds of ruling barons. In those times war was common and brutal, the only way a baron could gain power would be to conquer more land. There was one particular baron who ruled over what we now call Lower Uagos, his name was Amado. Amado was a charismatic baron, his people loved him and were deeply loyal. Under his reign Lower Uagos prospered. 

“Like all good things this prosperity brought the wrong people’s attention. One day the baron of Upper Uagos, whose name was Diado, decided to conquer Lower Uagos. Now, Diado was a devious man, he knew that Amado had a powerful army, so he came up with a plan. He sent a message to Amado, telling him that he wanted peace, and that he would offer one of his daughters to Amado’s oldest son. Amado agreed to meet him, after extensive discussion the proposal was agreed. The wedding was set, it would take place in a great field in the heart of Lower Uagos. 

“The day came and both barons, their families and their retainers came to the great field. The wedding went smoothly and it came time for the couple to say their vows. As they put their hands on each other’s shoulders the bride pulled a knife and thrusted it into Amado’s oldest son. Everywhere else Diado’s retainers drew out weapons and attacked Amado’s supporters. Dozens of people were butchered, the field ran with blood. To this day the blood fertilizes the farmland there. 

“In the confusion Amado escaped. He fled from that field as fast as possible. He knew that his enemies would be after him soon, and they had horses. He was almost out of hope when he crested a hill and saw a small farmhouse. He ran to, his hope restored. He knocked on the door, a farmer and his pregnant wife opened the door. They recognized the emblem on his chest so when Amado begged to be hidden they took him in. They hid him in a pile of hay that the poor farmers used for beds. 

“It wasn’t long before there was another knock at the door. Amado’s enemies had come. They pushed the farmer aside and searched the house swiftly. They found Amado in the hay and dragged him out. The pulled him out of the house and pushed him to the ground. A moment later they dragged out the screaming farmer. His wife watched from the door as they killed her husband on the doorstep. 

“After a considerable amount of arguing Diado's retainers began leading Amado away, but he had the strength of desperation. With a shove and a duck he broke free from his captor's grasp. He darted away from the pack and ran into the tall corn field. His enemies were all around him, he knew he couldn’t get away. Suddenly an idea came into his head. He turned around and while staying as low as possible he ran back to the farmhouse. He knew his hunters would never expect this bold move. The recently made widow opened the door, she had tears in her eyes and her face was pale. She looked at her lord and nodded her head. She hid Amado in her house a second time. Diado's soldiers never came back to the house. They couldn’t imagine the deep loyalty Amado’s people had for him. 

“The woman gave him her only horse, and Amado used it to ride to his palace. He rallied his army swiftly and rode out. His speed and courage caught Diado by surprise and rolled him and his army back. He chased them relentlessly past the border and beyond. He was after revenge and he got it. He killed Diado on the field and then took the now unprotected Upper Uagos but he never remarried and so his legacy ended.” 

“What happened to the woman?” Sal asked after a few moments.

“Well after the war Amado had her fed and cared for. After several months she gave birth to a boy. She named him Devvanth.”

“Devvanth? The first emperor?” Sal was clearly surprised and Chaol was glad his storytelling had an effect.

“Aye. It is said loyalty and courage breed greatness.”

“That is a good story, sir, I wonder why I have never heard it before.” Sal said.

“It is not commonly spoken of, probably because people don’t want to talk about Devvanth’s roots. He was a farm orphan, poorer then poor. That’s another lesson for you. Sometimes the lowborn can become noble after all.”
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enjoys the story … and silently feels guilty at the lack of writing competitions

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I would like to point out that there was no intended correlation between Amado and Adamo…I chose the name Amado because it means ‘loved’ in spanish and I chose Diado because odiado means ‘hated’ in Spanish.

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So there was no intended correlation between Diado and @Geoffers747 either? I thought I was on to something…

I like the story. I may do a you-style review when I get the time.

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I blame you for my inactivity :stuck_out_tongue:

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Ha ha I would love that.

How foolish of me, I forgot to mention that this is based off a true story (the part with the woman hiding the lord twice)

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I’ve noticed a few spots where, strictly speaking, there should be a semicolon instead of a comma. I’m not going to point out every individual place; I’d rather critique the story itself.

[quote=“TurtleSquish, post:1, topic:15521”]
Dozens of people were butchered, it is said that the field ran with blood. To this day the farmland there grows rich, delicious produce.
[/quote]Reflecting on massive killing in fields? Fairly normal. Fields running red with blood? Not that uncommon. But most stories would tend to have the site of a massive battle or disaster remain barren. Though it’s kind of sick, I love the dark irony you’ve set up here. Not only was it surprising, it works quite well in your story / world.

Some stories might have left out this detail. I think your leaving it in really helps to build the violent world you’re going for.

This sentence feels a bit blunt to me. It’s telling me, not showing me. One option: you could have the one of the soldiers They are soldiers, right? Enemies is fairly vague. That’s okay, but it repeats a bit too much in a row for me. A few occurrences of “his enemies” could probably be replaced with something along the lines of “the soldiers” and/or “Diado’s army / forces / retainers / etc.”. comment on wanting to take him alive for a reward rather than just having the narrator state it. Then again, dialogue in a story in dialogue in the main story could get confusing with all the quotes. There are probably other options, but I can’t think of any right now. I’ll leave that decision to you.

Sal should be surprised, not surprise.

As with much of the story, this seems very purposeful. I’m guessing it has meaning in the main story. You’ve created a nice cliffhanger while (and in spite of) wrapping up this particular story’s end. Good job!


Overall, the story's atmosphere is nice. [spoiler]and dark, and violent. I guess most people wouldn't consider that "nice". What I really mean here is that it all works well and stays consistent.[/spoiler] Also, it actually feels like the story is being told by a storyteller rather than simply read from a book. Again, good job, nice story!
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Thanks for responding pal :smiley: you HAVE to tell me how you do that spoiler thing!

Indeed. I’ll might change it as it is a rather unimportant point. The reason I said it is because of the simple fact that blood is good fertilizer. Also one of my many themes is “bad from good, good from bad.” So this butchering was a “bad” thing, but it led to “good” produce as morbid as that is.

Although this was part of the motivation, I did it mainly because it is based on a true story.

Yeah i’ll definitely do this.

This was one of the challenges of writing this story. It wasn’t narration, it was dialogue, I had to write this whole thing as if I was Chaol the blacksmith telling a story to his apprentice. (I don’t think that you can tell from the posted story that Sal is his apprentice.)

Thanks :smiley: I work hard on them.

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Salutations, good Wizard Turtle!

I sincerely applaud you for your story and your creative skills in writing!

You certainly should be named "Archscribe"
I am inspired to share little parts of a story that I have been writing!

Though unfortunately I am rather indifferent about it. We shall see, perhaps later.
I of cores could not acquire the title of “Archscribe” that my good Wizard, is yours

Your friendly,

-Wizard Max-.

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You must!

I work tremendously hard on my stories. (especially book stories)

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