The Half-Orc, Episode 1: A Business To Behold!

If you haven’t read the Prelude, go read it here! Not necessary, but helps you understand the story! Also, I’m going to introduce some “not in the game quite yet” entities! (This, is important you know.)

  • Orcs: I’m almost certain they’re somewhere in the game files.Their first appearance was in twitch streams 30 something-30 something.
  • BuckBuck’s: In the words of Tom, “A bird that you raise to eat.” Basically a Chicken and a Turkey combined into one fowl. First appearance: streams 72/74

Now then, let’s start with the actual story! (Cue Super Paper Mario chapter introduction music!)

A Business To Behold!

Today was going to be an awfully dreary day. It was the part I hated most of the Festival of Riverside. The Tale of the Uniting. I hated it because it was so dreadfully boring. And it’s not like I had any excuse for being absent, seeing as I was, not only the daughter of the main characters of said story, but also because I was the firstborn of those two. Because I was their offspring, that meant I had been told the story so many times I remember it word-for-word. And the fact I had to spend all that time with 2 antsy siblings didn’t help. I’m always seeking to be excited, and, being part orc, that usual means fighting stuff. That’s why I preferred going on adventurers with Mom and Dad. Did I mention that was their thing? Ah, yes. The main reason was because of that sword. Grandpa Tristan cared naught what Aston did with that thing, as long as he didn’t destroy half the town with it. Grandpa Garvoc, on the other hand, said Dad should’ve used it to conquer stuff. Turns out, Mom and Dad decided it would be useful for clearing out dungeons. So, that’s what they decided to do for a living. Clear dungeons and stuff. However, they don’t like to take me with them since Dad proclaims I’m “only” 16. Hmmph. Anyways, since I can’t do that, I spend most of my time dawdling around the barracks and the family “loot room.” So, you can see why spending all day listening to some bard yap on about something I’ve known for a very long time can get excruciatingly boring for me.

Clouds were gathering overhead. Preparations were being made for the Festival. Some of the townsfolk sighed as I walked by them, seeing as I was a constant reminder that the town of Riverside belonged to an orcish empire, not a human one. Garvoc was out spending time with Tristan, Dad was on some adventure, and Mom was busy talking to Uncle Nirvarak about the riverside banquet, so I was the only one in the family who attended. That meant I was going to have to manage the entire Tale of Uniting alone. Dad thought I wasn’t ready to go on adventures but I’m ready for this? “He must be crazier than I thought.” I told myself. But first thing was first. I was going to have to sit through the bard’s story. “I can do this!” I exclaimed. The bard began to speak. “I can do this…” I said less enthusiastically. A few minutes later I began to close my eyes… suddenly a sleepy urge came over me… “I… can… do… this…”

I heard someone say ‘Sis. Wake up, sis.’, however, seeing as I was sleeping a moment ago, I couldn’t tell who.
I mumbled something very briefly.
"Gimme 5 minutes…"
The voice continued to speak.
"It’s raining, sis. I know this is boring, but you don’t wanna get wet, do you?"
The voice received no response from me. But what did happen was I felt a searing pain spread across my foot.
"OW! Travoick, I’m gonna get you, you little…"
My little brother sighed.
“Listen, Sarah. It’s raining. That’s why you and me…”
“Yeah, yeah…”
“Have to go inside!”
In case your wondering who Sarah is, that would be me. Most of my siblings (and most Half-orcs in general) have orc names, but I’m pretty much the only one of us Father got to name. We went inside the hall, but the Bard was having trouble finding a new copy of the story, so I had a moment or two to enjoy myself. I decided I might as well talk to my friend, Colon. Although his father was the town Engineer, he was more interested in BuckBuck keeping. He was also one of the very few people I’ve met outside of my family who didn’t reject me from day one. So, naturally, my choice of friends is very limited. Colon was sitting in the corner, playing with a BuckBuck he managed to bring into the building.
“So, Sarah, ignoring the bard as usual?”
“Sush up about that. That story gets boring and you-”
“Alright, alright. So Sarah, ever consider beekeeping?”
“What? No!?”
"Hmm. Well Heidi here tells me that some of the orcs up north are trying waspkeeping."
Right, I forgot to mention. Colon believes he’s some kind of BuckBuck whisperer. This is the kind of thing you deal with when your option of friends is so limited. He also names all his fowl, which I’m willing to put up with. The Head Beast Manager doubts he’ll ever let his BuckBucks be used for anything but laying eggs. I realized a snark comeback and told it to Colon.
"Oh yeah? Well how did Heidi figure this out?"
Colon and his father both lacked the ability to notice sarcasm.
"A couple of wild BuckBucks told her."
I rolled my eyes and sighed. “At least he’s my friend,” I whispered under my breath. The bard came back with the rest of the story. Everyone took their seats. and the Bard began to speak again. This was going to be a while…

The bard finished the extensive story-telling session. As always, people had questions. But before anyone could ask me about the story, a soldier came bursting in through the front door. “What’s going on?” asked a few of the townsfolk. The soldier stopped panting and began to speak. "Dwarves. A whole group of them. They seem very angry about something. They want to speak to Aston."
Everyone seemed confused on my father’s whereabouts, so I decided to begin to speak.
"He’s out on another dungeon romp. If you give my mother a moment or-"
Sarah and the soldier were rudely interrupted by a angry group of dwarves marching through the door. Their leader was quite obvious he wore a tall crown of iron, and he looked very intimidating. He wore a rune around his neck. There were 5 of them exactly.
“How’d you get in?” A soldier who decided to listen to the story asked.
A guard blushed. "They asked nicely… he muttered."
Their leader spoke hastily.
“Yer grandfather managed to slaughter my entire army. It’s not like I kain’ believe that, but someone’s payin’ for it.” the man began to lunge at me, but his court managed to hold him back. His co-leader began to speak. “All we seek is food and shelter. I’m as almost as angry as he is, but I know that we cannot win if we try.”

We decided to give them what they plead for. But that ended pretty much all celebration for the night. I couldn’t sleep. There was something… odd… about those dwarves. But apparently grandfather’s Tristan and Garvoc were out slaughtering a dwarven army. That night, two men appeared at the gate. It was none other than Garvoc and Tristan themselves. The guard’s at the top of the gate began to speak.
"Slaughter any dwarves lately?"
Tristan and Garvoc traded confused glances.
"No, but a group of them attacked us. Now, could you please-"
The guard paused for a moment.
"Were there 5 of them?"
Tristan paused for a moment, then replied.
"Yes, 5 of them…"
The guard asked Tristan another question-
"Did one of them wear a rune?"
Tristan was beginning to ponder why the guards were asking him these very specific questions.
"Yes. Why do you ask?"
The guard then realized something.
But at that very moment, a shadow crept up in my room. It held a dagger overhead, preparing to strike a deadly blow to me. Fortunately, I was not asleep, and well rested too, after that boring tale. I bit that shadow’s hand. Hard. And, having such sharp teeth, it hurt. A lot. "@#%* YOU LITTLE PEST! I KINA’ BELIEVE…But then, a loud thump came across the house. Dad. The shadow decided today was not a good day to be a assassin, and fled. Father stood there, in the door way.
"Sarah… who… sigh."
I gave him a suspicious glance.
“What’s going on?”
"Based on my recent findings, a bunch of mercenaries want to split the bond between these towns by killing the whole family."
I was a tad bit confused for a second…
"What benefit would that bring them, exactly?"
Dad gave out another sigh. Then he continued.
"I haven’t a clue. But I’m almost certain that it has something to do with this town’s prosperity."
A soldier came charging through the door. "EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY! ERMASHMARBABLARGAFOG!"
Dad went downstairs to calm the soldier down, and tell him that things were fine in this household. Then he went back up to talk to me some more.
"I’m afraid… I’m sending you and your mother away."
I was astonished. "WHAT!?"
He continued to speak. "Seeing as… your not safe here… as a matter of fact, none of us are… I’m going to have to send you away from town. To keep you both safe… In case anything happens. No caravan, no nothing. A caravan would make you too obvious."
He left me in silence. Mom came barging in through the door with grandpa Garvoc in tow.
Dad started to walk towards Mom. “Perfect timing…” he started to say. But Mom had her say first. “What’s the meaning of this?” she shouted, pointing towards the Dwarven head Grandpa Garvoc was holding. I decided to close my door, and I began to pack what little I needed. Then I fell on my bed, dozing off, and thinking about how much I would miss it…

Prepare for the next episode, coming to a discourse near you:

Episode 2: An Ent-eresting Ent-ity!


I’m impressed the speed your pumping these out :smiley: Unfortunately its a little early in the morning for me to give my thoughts. I’ll post em later.

Welp, I’m always eager to type. Thanks for being willing to go over my stuff.

Well I like where this is going for sure. This episode begins slow and rises to the climax well. I think the thing which this episode did best was keep my attention. The sentences flowed well.

Enough general notes, this time I noticed some technical problems which need to be dealt with.

The first one

If she is 16 and has 7 other siblings then “Mom and Dad” having a child every other year. They would hardly have time to go dungeon hunting together if she was pregnant half their marriage and raising kids the rest of it. You may want to trim down the number of siblings, or at least introduce a character such as a maid who helped with child raising.

Here’s another problem to deal with

The problem is that somehow the dwarves got past the guards and all the way to the hall.
I can see multiple technical answers to this but all of them raise other difficulties. The first and most simple is that there were not enough guards on duty, if that was true then then the following doesn’t make sense.

If there were not enough guards to withhold the dwarves from getting into the heart of the city (which has at least 50 some settlers.) there certainly isn’t enough to stop them from killing Sarah there.

This can be negated by saying most of the soldiers were at the hall listening to the bard telling the tale. But there is still a problem indicated here

How did the dwarves pass the gate? if it was open and they ran through despite being challenged the guards would either kill or attack them on sight, not offer them food. If they stopped at the gate and were let through I don’t think they would let them keep their weapons, especially as they looked angry

So I don’t know how you want to deal with that rather extensive problem. There are some ways I can answer it, but its more important that you think of an explanation that is plausible.

Here is the third technical problem I noticed this one is much smaller then the above ones.

I would imagine that the two headmen of the city would have at least a few bodyguards. Something to consider as you move on, like maybe saying how they despised being hindered by slow pokes or something .

One last thing

As the whole story is told in her point of view, how’d she know it was a mercenary? I would switch it to “assassin.”

Here are some small wording/grammer mistakes which can use fixing

small matter but the number should be written out, “reject me from day one.”

I would use a different word instead of realized, maybe ‘thought’

The sentence structure should be switched around, “After the bard finished an extensive story telling session.” as you have it now ‘the bard finished’ is redundant.

you should say something like “and I lost interest in the proceedings at the gate.” at the end of this sentence. It would help focus the reader from the previous “story” by the gate into this one.

maybe change ‘travels’ to a different word, like ‘recent discovery.’ ‘travels’ doesn’t really describe how ‘dad’ knew about the mercenary stuff.

Well that was a bit lengthy. I’m looking forward to how you will deal with these problems and how the story will unfold.

@coasterspaul want to give your thoughts one some of the problems I mentioned above?

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Looks like I’ve got lots of plot holes… Time to fix them all!


Its always surprisingly difficult to write even simple plots. That is why most writers have proffessional editors, and why I edit for the peeps of the discourse. I know how important a second perspective is.

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The simple answer to the dwarves not being able to get away with it, is the fact that, if they tried, and wanted to keep their story realistic, the orcish army would merely march for them faster, thanks to the notification of a riversideian message. Now then. To fix other holes!

Edit: Thank the goddesses, I’m done. Now then, to start thinking of ideas for the next episode!

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Oh just noticed one more thing.

At that close a distance I think Sarah would be able to count exactly how many they were.

Everything you have mentioned so far has been fixed!


This is great m8, I don’t suppose you can do Unknown: “Sis. Wake Up, sis,” Then when we get to know them you put their name instead of Unknown -> Sarah: “What? No!?” It’s not a must but it gets confusing who’s talking sometimes.


I like what @DJ_Astro is saying, and if you want it to flow through Sarah’s point of view better you can write something like’
“I heard someone say ‘Sis. Wake pp, sis,’ but I couldn’t tell who it was.”

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Expect the next episode tomorrow!

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