[Fan Fiction] The Invisible Princess - Part I

[CrazyCandy]

@TurtleSquish

He walked downstairs into the kitchen, but he was late and found hishis father already there, as he already was in the workshop, working restless,never taking a break ever since the death of Gavin’s mother.

which was protected by theancient wooden fence that was made by his late grandfather a long,long time ago.

This entire sentence is a serious run-on. It needs some periods in there. The fence, however, was badly in need of repairs, as acouple weeks earlier, a wild boar found his way into the town, and asthe guards chased it out, it tore down the ancient wood and crossedthe yard, causing quite a mess before breaking the fence at anotherpoint at the eastern side of the yard, after which the beast fled intothe woods and was not seen ever since.

“Hey, guys!” out of the blue, Brett Addion suddenly cried outfrom behind his giant jug of booze;

There is a redundancy in this sentence. For better flow remove one of the bolded above.

Noted

@TurtleSquish

A problem which effects the entire story is how trusting Gavin is of Brett. Brett is a constant drunk who has lied at least twice (that are mentioned in the fan fic) about adventures. So Gavin would hardly get pumped and use his only rest day based on some gibberish Brett said when he was drunk. I’m not sure if there is anyway for you to solve this problem, but in the future keep that time of thing in mind when you are writing plot.

I agree that Gavin’s trust in Brett’s story is a tad bit illogical, and I tried portray, that one of the chief reasons for Gavin to join Brett is because he’s extremely tired of his job at his father’s shop, and wants a change, even if it means a wasted day. It appears I failed on this. I’ll try to keep this in mind and improve on these kind of stuff in the future.

@TurtleSquish

“The Golden Poyo was the oldest of the thirteen taverns inKalgrove, and as it stands, it was Brett’s favorite. It was an old largecottage standing proud at the northern end of the town; its blue roofand two chimneys could be seen from afar.”

Thirteen taverns implies a very large city. However the rest of the story implies a small town (i.e. the bridge preceding the Fat King’s Bridge was not big enough to take the weight of the king, or the fact that coming out of the tavern Gavin already sees a natural display.) So I would recommend lowering the number of taverns.

What isn’t mentioned in the story (I kind of forgot that, sorry ) is that Kalgrove lies on a busy crossing of road, and there’s also a steady flow of goods through ships on the river. If possible I’ll try to address this in part 2, or maybe edit bits into part 1 in the future.

@TurtleSquish

There is also an anachronism (mouthful to say I know) regarding the clock in the Green Goblin. clocks were not invented for a long time after the Stonehearth universe. Don’t feel too bad about this though, Shakespeare made the same mistake in Julius Caesar.

The owner of the Green Goblin uses mods. [Mod] (A16) Decorative Clocks 2.0

Although, you have a point, I haven’t seen it mentioned anywhere that clocks are not invented in Stonehearth. Keep in mind that this is fantasy where goblins and other stuff roam the lands.

@TurtleSquish

Related to a point I mentioned above, it seems Brett makes money for his drink by adventuring. The problem with that is that he is drunk most of the time and a drunkard could reliably succeed on adventures.

What can I say… Brett’s quite a mysterious person. Even I can’t tell what he’s up to sometimes.

@TurtleSquish

If i were to make a guess the invisible princess is Letty from Todd’s tale and the two “camel” riders are Ikkili and Bagka. If my guess is right (based on the foreshadowing.) then you need to change the year this story takes place since this story takes place in 241 whereas Todd’s Tale takes place in 309.

A couple of things I can say

• I can neither confirm nor deny that the two men were Ikkili and Bagka
• Letty is not the Invisible Princess
• Letty is blood related to the boy who the men were looking for
• There is only one “camel”. They travel by foot.
• They won’t play any further role in this tale. It was just an easter egg. (Doesn’t mean they won’t appear in another tale, though… Time will tell.)

@TurtleSquish

Keep up the great work.

I will, and thank you for your amazing feedbacks! Keep them coming!

@8BitCrab

just got a chance to read this, and i must say it was very well written. can’t wait for part II!

Thank you! I’m so glad you and the others liked it!

Also, don’t forget to take a look at my first fan fic, Todd’s Tale if you haven’t done yet! The link’s in the first post