I have begun to read through the fan fiction. My in depth critique will be coming soon.
It’s awesome that you have continued to write more, despite the difficulty in achieving support.
Some sentence mis-structures I noticed along the way.
He walked downstairs into the kitchen, but he was late and found his
his father already there, as he already was in the workshop, working restless,
never taking a break ever since the death of Gavin’s mother.
which was protected by the
ancient wooden fence that was made by his late grandfather a long,
long time ago.
This entire sentence is a serious run-on. It needs some periods in there.
The fence, however, was badly in need of repairs, as a
couple weeks earlier, a wild boar found his way into the town, and as
the guards chased it out, it tore down the ancient wood and crossed
the yard, causing quite a mess before breaking the fence at another
point at the eastern side of the yard, after which the beast fled into
the woods and was not seen ever since.
“Hey, guys!” out of the blue, Brett Addion suddenly cried out
from behind his giant jug of booze;
There is a redundancy in this sentence. For better flow remove one of the bolded above.
Now for overview critique.
A problem which effects the entire story is how trusting Gavin is of Brett. Brett is a constant drunk who has lied at least twice (that are mentioned in the fan fic) about adventures. So Gavin would hardly get pumped and use his only rest day based on some gibberish Brett said when he was drunk. I’m not sure if there is anyway for you to solve this problem, but in the future keep that time of thing in mind when you are writing plot.
“The Golden Poyo was the oldest of the thirteen taverns in
Kalgrove, and as it stands, it was Brett’s favorite. It was an old large
cottage standing proud at the northern end of the town; its blue roof
and two chimneys could be seen from afar.”
Thirteen taverns implies a very large city. However the rest of the story implies a small town (i.e. the bridge preceding the Fat King’s Bridge was not big enough to take the weight of the king, or the fact that coming out of the tavern Gavin already sees a natural display.) So I would recommend lowering the number of taverns.
There is also an anachronism (mouthful to say I know) regarding the clock in the Green Goblin. clocks were not invented for a long time after the Stonehearth universe. Don’t feel too bad about this though, Shakespeare made the same mistake in Julius Caesar.
Related to a point I mentioned above, it seems Brett makes money for his drink by adventuring. The problem with that is that he is drunk most of the time and a drunkard could reliably succeed on adventures.
If i were to make a guess the invisible princess is Letty from Todd’s tale and the two “camel” riders are Ikkili and Bagka. If my guess is right (based on the foreshadowing.) then you need to change the year this story takes place since this story takes place in 241 whereas Todd’s Tale takes place in 309.
Those are all the points I noticed in my first read through, if I notice anything else I will edit them in. Once again you have created a very good, well flowing fan fiction. You have good foreshadowing, not too obvious and not too hidden. Your character development is pretty good as well, in general your characters are a little on the simple side, but there is nothing wrong with that. Your exposition is also well spread throughout the story (whereas in Todd’s Tale it was all thrown in at the beginning.)
Keep up the great work.