A Captain Dies With his Ship -by Turtlesquish

Hey guys, here is a short story hot off the press. PLEASE tell me if you see even the slightest grammar mistake. This is a graded assignment and I often overlook simple mistakes when I edit my own work.

Cannon balls and bullets whistled over his head. Already one cannon ball had made contact and had rendered a huge rupture into the bow of his ship. Foamy sea water rushed past him as he led his loyal crew in an endeavor to plug the breach with the spare sail. Together they pulled it closer and closer to the wound. He barked orders louder than he had ever barked before. A thought came out of nowhere, he acted on it in a stupor. He hurried to the rower’s benches and grabbed an oar. The crew had choked the flow of water, now it was only a trickle. He locked the oar using the floor and ceiling, to hold the canvas against the hole. It worked, he had saved her and the crew. He felt his spirit lift, his ship would survive. As he heaved a sigh of relief, a bullet hit his left arm and reminded him there was no time for celebration.

“Bail, bail the ship! Bail as if the devil himself was behind you! The rest of you, slaughter those cowards,” he yelled ferociously, seemingly impervious to the blood rushing down his arm. Buckets were produced and some of the tired crew worked as fast as they could, others engaged in a deadly firefight with the enemy ships. Then he heard it, somehow louder than the rest of the battle. The whistle of a cannonball coming toward her, the crash as it struck through her keel, and the crunch as it sunk into her vital spine. He felt a sickening crush as his love cried beneath his feet. He sensed her sluggish last words as she began to slide under the water. He felt angry, angry that he had lost. He lost, but his ship and crew had to pay the price. In a daze he walked to her stern. The crew has abandoned them. They would die together. The sound of the roaring ocean would be their epitaphs. A captain dies with his ship.

3 Likes

beautiful work my friend!

i couldn’t see any grammatical mistakes, but,

[quote=“TurtleSquish, post:1, topic:17626”]
The rest of you slaughter the rest of those cowards,”
[/quote]i’m probably wrong, but i believe there could be a comma in there,

“The rest of you, slaughter the rest of those cowards”

it seems to flow better to me. i’m pretty sure its not mandatory and is really up to the writer. or instead of a comma,

the fact that you used the word “rest” twice in the sentence is somewhat confusing to my brain, perhaps you could try replacing one of them with a different word? for example,

“The rest of you slaughter the remainder of those cowards”

even though that isn’t the best word to replace it with, it flows better in my opinion, but again, its not mandatory, just food for thought mostly. maybe even a combination of word change and comma would be best.

i probably wasn’t very helpful here, but i just thought i might as well give my two cents…

2 Likes

I agree

I told you I miss basic stuff. the second “the rest” is residue of a different way I wrote it. Thanks.

3 Likes

Hi, Turtlesquish. Really nice piece of writing. I do see a couple of things you could fix though. I mention them only because there’s a grade involved.

There should probably be either a “that” after bullet or an “and” after arm. It feels like a word is missing here.

Also:

“Where” should be “were”.

Hope this helps you …

2 Likes

Thanks @Zarconius I fixed both of them in the latest draft.

1 Like